UCC Church of Charlotte

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Relationship
Mark 10:2-16

Grace and Peace to you this morning.  Grace and Peace.
    
Confession time.  In ten years of preaching, I have avoided this
scripture regarding divorce in the lectionary three times.  But if we
do not wrestle with the difficult scriptures, and do so together, how
will we ever speak truth about the difficult places in our lives?
    
I must confess my own fractured view of divorce.  Were it not for
divorce, I would not have the opportunity to make one of the best
decisions I ever made.  I am Mary’s second husband.  I count our
marriage as one of my life’s richest blessings.
I also know that for so many people divorce, whether their own or
their parents’ or another loved one’s, was and is a painful time that
impacts all of their lives.  For some, divorce was the Exodus from an
abusive marriage.  For others, it was a surprise that they never
wished for or wanted.  For others, it was the end of a relationship
that did not live.

For communities, churches and friends, divorce often means losing one
or both of the former spouses.

For children, divorce often comes with a long list of difficulties
that they will encounter in their own lives and relationships.

As Jesus said, there are Torah laws permitting divorce.  They also say
a woman who is divorced twice is not allowed to go back to her first
husband.  (As Dolly Parton says in Steel Magnolias, “there is a story
there somewhere...”)

Jesus goes on to say that Moses allowed divorce because of people’s
hardness of heart.  Divorce was a necessary evil for them, but now,
Jesus says, let no one put asunder what God has joined together.
    
In I Corinthians, Paul agrees that couples should stay married.  He
then adds (and he is clear that he says this, not the Lord) that if a
Christian has married a non-Christian, they ought to stay together
unless the non-believer wants a divorce, in which case it was allowed.
    
With competing scriptures, it is easy to say the Gospel trumps the
rest.  But what if the Gospels don’t quite agree?  Mark and Luke say
divorce creates adultery, and should not be allowed.  Matthew widens
it: there is an exception for sexual sins, often translated as
fornication or unchastity.
    
Why does Matthew’s telling give a loophole where Mark and Luke do not?
Did Matthew loosen the restriction, or did Mark and Luke remove a
permission?  Is Paul making an additional loophole to what Jesus has
said?
    
In his "Reading the Bible with the Dead," John Thompson looks at how
the church has interpreted difficult scriptures throughout its
history.
    
Not surprisingly, the church has struggled with these scriptures from
the beginning.  Many early church theologians said there was to be no
divorce.  Some quoted Mark and Luke without Paul or Matthew’s
exceptions.
    
Other theologians soon questioned such an absolute view.  If a
marriage was untenable or abusive, wouldn’t divorce be preferable to
murder?

Theirs was not an abstract worry.  Some places which outlawed divorce
on scriptural grounds soon thereafter passed laws delaying the quick
remarriage of widows to avoid them poisoning their current spouses.

Centuries later, Calvin wrote that divorce was impermissible except in
cases of infidelity (following Matthew) or incompatible religion
(following Paul).  That ideal did not stop him as a pastor and church
leader from allowing divorce more widely, especially in cases of bad
or abusive marriages.  Even Calvin’s theological ideal was softened by
the pastoral needs of those in his care.
    
Several Protestant Reformers, Luther included, wanted marriage taken
out of the church and handed over to civil authorities because of how
difficult the church made it to deal with divorce.  They weren’t
pro-divorce, but they saw the mess caused by the church law of their
day.
    
So when we hear that “old-time religion” will solve the problem of
current divorce rates, history says that no such golden age existed.
Instead, we find the more absolute the prohibition, the more problems
encountered.
In our current day, we find that liberals and conservatives have the
same divorce rates.  This is not a political, ideological or religious
problem, per se.  It is a human problem.
    
So how do we navigate being faithful to scripture and aware of the
infinite complexities of being a whole self and having healthy
relationships?

Jesus is being questioned by Pharisees in an attempt to trap him.
There were two views of divorce in first century Judaism.  One school
said that divorce was allowed with no restrictions, while the other
prohibited divorce on any grounds.  (Ecclesiastes reminds us that
there is nothing new under the sun!)

Jesus answers the question in a way we often see as absolute, but
actually walks between these views.

Jesus reminds us that we are created for relationship.  The health of
our relationships and our wholeness as people made in the image of God
are inter-related.  Covenant is first and finally about relationship.
    
When Matthew allows an exception to the prohibition of divorce for
cases of fornication or unchastity, the Greek word is “porneia.”  The
word means sexual sin, often meaning adultery in modern translations,
but was more closely linked to prostitution and idolatry originally.
And here we start to see some connections that make sense.
    
Idolatry is about chasing something other than God, as if it could
give life, as if it could save.  In relationships, this means chasing
something that does not build up the relationship.  We think this is
all about sex.  Sex sells, even when we are preaching against sin.
But we know that not treating one another as having been created in
the image of God works against the health of the relationship.  Not
being willing or able to allow oneself or one’s spouse be a fully
alive human being with all the complexity that this entails means not
living up to the relationship.  Not being able to serve one another’s
best self is the same.
    
Simplistic moralizing doesn’t help.  Some couples are able to
reconcile even after terrible affairs.  Other relationships are
irreparably strained by much smaller problems.  As Calvin discovered,
our ideals must be tempered by our reality.  This is not about making
excuses, but about being willing to forgive ourselves and others for
being human, which means being complicated and messy.
    
Breaks in our relationship must be lamented and healed.  Relationships
that have died must be grieved.
    
Theology, however well intentioned, is no excuse for being abusive or
suffering an abusive relationship.

Jesus says do not break what God has joined.  His whole life was about
trying to get us to realize how much God is risking in order to be in
relationship with us, for us to be reconciled to God and to one
another.

That said, I can offer no final word about divorce, no tried and true
rule, no Gospel law that is true for all people and for all time.
What I can say is that the God whom Jesus called Abba is the God of
relationships.  God does not give up God’s relationship with us when
our relationships with one another falter or fail.  God does not base
God’s relationship with us on the success or failure of our own
relationships.
    
And how often is it in those places where we feel life’s brokenness,
where we feel our relationships’ brokenness, that we start to
recognize the grace of God that is forgiveness, and a relationship, a
love, that will not let us go.
    
Thanks be to God.
Amen.